Betrayals
by kannnichtfranzoesisch
Summary: Remus' experiences at three full moons. A postHBP scenario. Written in July 2005.


**Title:** Betrayals  
**Summary:** Remus' experiences at three full moons. A post-HBP scenario.  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Beta:** whymewhynot  
**Pairing:** Remus/several, with a slightly larger than average portion of Remus/Severus  
**Warnings:** Angst. Character death. HBP Spoilers.  
**Disclaimer:** Nothing here belongs to me, this is for entertainment purposes only.  
**A/N:** I have no idea what I'm doing, just so you know. Comments/criticism/advice would be appreciated.

**November 1981**

"By Merlin, Lupin, stop shaking or you're going to spill it! It's been three weeks, you simpering fool -- get over it!" hissed Snape as he held the Wolfsbane just out of Remus' reach. "If you think so little of my efforts, I'll be sure to inform Albus you'd prefer to go without!"

But Remus couldn't even summon the glare those comments deserved. He let his hand fall back down to his side and noticed that Severus' shoes looked almost as shoddy as his own, though they seemed to have been polished to a high gloss. His mind was filled with image after image of one particular face, and each image dragged his spirits down further.

Sirius' face just after he changed from dog to man, filled with accomplishment every single time, as if it were his first transformation. Sirius' face clouded with what Remus had thought was real regret, explaining what he'd done in what they now only referred to as the _Snivellus Incident_. Remus tried especially hard to keep away the image of Sirius' face looking at him with apparent trust and open friendship, but it surfaced again and again.

Each image brought Remus more guilt and anger at the unthinkable betrayal, and images of how Sirius' face must look now, joyless and haggard in Azkaban, did not help. They only made him feel worse because he couldn't bring himself to want Sirius to suffer, and he knew he should. Perhaps he would want that in time. Most likely he would. His hand shook even more as he moved it up to push the hair out of his eyes, and he forced himself to meet Severus' glare. To think, _Severus_ was actually more trustworthy, more of a true ally, than Sirius had been. That was unthinkable too.

Severus had an intense look on his face as his eyes bored into Remus'. Remus wondered if he was using Legilimency, but decided he didn't care. What did he have to care about at this stage in the game?

Severus' tone went soft and dangerous. "You realize, of course, that I'm only doing this at Albus' insistence. Do you think there's even the remotest possibility I'm doing this because I'm your _ally_? Do not delude yourself that I will ever be your ally. There's only one gesture of goodwill I would ever show you, and that's because I would like nothing better than to know you and your _beloved boyfriend_ have been reunited in Azkaban. Yes, out of the goodness of my heart I would send you to that reunion given the _slightest_ of pretexts."

At that, Remus let out a harsh bark of laughter, though he felt as startled by it as Severus looked. But he couldn't help it, the phrase "goodness of my heart" had come out of Severus' mouth, and he had been talking about _himself_. Remus felt a small grin slowly take over his face, while Severus looked to be growing more irate by the second. Remus thought he sensed a little confusion from him too, maybe.

"Drink it, or don't! Do you have any idea how lucky you are, to have access to a potion like this? I can't believe I brewed this for the likes of you!" Severus slammed the goblet onto the table, nearly spilling some himself, and stormed out the door. It crashed shut with a bang that jolted Remus out of his trancelike state, and his silly grin faded. He knew that he had to take the potion. If it killed him, fine, if it made him suffer, fine, let Severus do his worst, but the wolf couldn't be allowed to surface this month. How would he ever survive the transformations without Sirius and James and Peter? How was it possible that he ever had? Remus' hands were still shaking as he picked up the goblet and drank, but he managed not to spill a drop.

**June 1997**

"Come on, Remus, let me do it. You're shaking." Remus thought that maybe Tonks's hands shook just a little too when she fastened the chains, but she definitely did a better job of it than he would have. Probably the chains weren't necessary; after all, the Shrieking Shack was going to be sealed up tight. But Remus could barely remember the last time he'd undergone a transformation without either Sirius or the Wolfsbane, and he didn't want to take any chances. He didn't want to think about it. There was no Albus to make sure he got his potion, and there was no Severus... There was no Severus... He _didn't want to think about it_.

It had happened _again_.

It had taken years, but he had _trusted_ Severus. Not only that, but he had loved Severus. He had even told him so, and though Severus hadn't returned the sentiment in words, Remus had seen the reply in Severus' eyes. Or so he'd thought. They were so expressive, and those eyes didn't show anything more congenial than neutrality to anyone but Remus. How could he have misinterpreted that?

They'd kept their relationship from everyone. Remus wondered if the Dark Lord knew, if Severus had told him. It had been difficult to keep it from Sirius when he'd returned so unexpectedly, and so unexpectedly innocent. He'd kept the secret for Severus -- and because it really wouldn't have gone over well at all. Remus may have been a Gryffindor, but he had an instinct for self-preservation as well. He hadn't wanted to lose what he'd built with Severus; it had kept him sane through horrendous times. They had given each other strength, and Severus hadn't failed once in all those years to brew his Wolfsbane. After a few years, he'd even stopped insisting that Albus forced him to brew it.

"I don't want to leave you here." Tonks's voice brought him back to the present. Her hair was exactly the same shade as his just now, he noticed fondly. It looked awful.

"It'll be all right. In just a few days, things will be back to normal." Remus had the good grace to wince at that turn of phrase, but Tonks just sighed and sat in front of him, leaning back into him. He brushed his lips over hair so much like his own.

"Things'll never be normal again, not without Albus. Do you think Arthur will take over leadership of the Order now? Did anyone know Albus' secrets?"

"Not that I know of," Remus answered. "I guess Arthur seems most likely, I don't know."

"You could do it. I'd trust you to do it. You would do a good job."

"Please, Tonks, that's the last thing I want right now. I couldn't do it -- I can't even imagine it. Besides, have you forgotten Fenrir?"

Tonks turned to him with worried eyes. "You're not going back there, are you? Don't go back! They'll hurt you and I won't be able to stop it. I couldn't take it!" Now she was shaking as much as Remus had been earlier. The chains clanked as he tried to wrap his arms around her.

"Shh, it's okay, I don't know what's going to happen. Let's not face it until we have to," Remus said soothingly. Then they were both quiet, and Remus' thoughts returned inexorably to Severus. How he longed to feel Severus' arms around him right now, so strong, strong enough for both of them.

No. He wasn't thinking about Severus anymore. He had Tonks, and she was gentle, sweet, and kind. _If a little clumsy_, he thought, sending her an indulgent smile. She would support him, and even if she couldn't brew Wolfsbane, he knew she would be there when he woke up. She'd care for him and help tend to his injuries. He honestly couldn't understand why she seemed to care so deeply, but it felt good. He'd be damned if he was going to turn down her comfort -- that would only hurt both of them even worse. Though, who was he kidding? He was damned anyway; he was sure of it. And sometimes when Tonks was happy she would glow, just like Sirius used to, and he liked that.

Sirius, who had lost that glow in Azkaban, when he'd been innocent the whole time. Remus didn't think he'd ever get over that. How could he have gotten things so backwards? He, himself, was the real double-crosser, for he had betrayed Sirius just as surely as Peter had betrayed James. Everything was backwards, everything was wrong. Sirius was innocent and spent all those years in Azkaban, dying just a few pale years after his escape, and Severus was a Death Eater and never spent a night there. Severus was free and presumably still celebrating his odious victory. He had betrayed them all, and Remus should have seen it coming. After all, didn't he have experience with this sort of thing? It wasn't even the first time _Severus_ had betrayed him. Albus had trusted him so thoroughly, how could he have been so wrong? But Albus had trusted Sirius too. No, that's right, he had been correct to do so. Remus couldn't keep the truths and betrayals straight in his head anymore.

"What are you thinking?" Tonks asked quietly.

"About Sirius," he answered, half truthfully.

Later, after Tonks left, Remus discovered that his shaking hands made the chains clatter, but he couldn't find the presence of mind to be annoyed with the noise.

**October 1999**

At least he was too weak to be shaking, Remus thought with some satisfaction as he returned slowly to consciousness. Good Lord, how he hated being a werewolf. For a few comparatively blissful moments, he didn't remember anything but the torture of waking up after a full transformation. It couldn't last though. The memories came back bit by bit.

Tonks. He hadn't believed it at first. He'd fought it for all he was worth. It hadn't been true the first time his life had been destroyed, and he wasn't sure about the second time, either. Besides, this was the most unbelievable betrayal yet. Of all three of the people he'd loved, Tonks surely seemed the most innocuous, the most unlikely of all to join forces with the Dark Lord. Or was she? Was she any more unlikely than Peter had been?

Remus sighed and considered turning onto his side. No, still too much pain for that. Someone would come for him soon; the only question was who it would be. If things had gone well, if Harry had persevered and the Order had somehow managed to avert disaster, then whoever walked in probably wouldn't kill him on sight. Tonks had, of course, known where he went during each and every full moon, so the Death Eaters would know too. They wouldn't leave him alive, and for a moment Remus toyed with which option would really be preferable. Death at the hands of the Dark Lord's minions or continued existence, haunted by the memories of his past. But he cared too much about his friends and the world at large to hope for Voldemort's victory, and resigned himself to wish for the continued pain.

The evidence, once again, seemed incontrovertible. Tonks had kidnapped Harry for the Dark Lord. The Order might have never known, but for the tiny shard of broken mirror Harry now carried with him at all times. He'd found the other half of the old magical mirror set at Grimmauld Place, and Hermione carried it everywhere. They'd kept it secret from everyone; Remus only knew about it because he'd had to teach Harry how to use it. Harry had been adamant about learning to use it in its current state; he refused to mend his half back to its original condition. He said it was a reminder of Sirius. So the tiny splinter of mirror would show Hermione barely the corner of Harry's mouth, but his voice carried through it just the same -- though it did sound a little tinny. Before the Death Eaters had realized the mirror's purpose, Harry had related the entire dreadful story to Hermione.

Hermione'd been sobbing so hard she could barely get the story out, but the Order had also learned of Horcruxes, vessels for containing a portion of someone's soul. The idea was so horrific, and Voldemort had made more than one. But they'd been getting close, Ron had related. They thought they only had one more to go before Voldemort's mortality could be challenged.

Harry'd told Hermione that the Dark Lord had finally sensed the destruction of bits of his soul, and he was getting desperate. Because Voldemort was nothing if not predictable, he had planned a ritual to be carried out on the full moon. But the worst part was, Harry had gotten his information from _Severus_. It should be a good thing; Remus ought to be pleased that Severus had helped Harry, however slightly, but all he felt was numbness. Had all of the pain been for nothing? Severus' motives were really as impenetrable as ever, but he couldn't help trying to read things into it.

Harry hadn't known where he was being held, and the entire Order had rushed out on search missions. Everyone but Remus, of course, who was consigned to the Shrieking Shack for the full moon. There hadn't been time to find another safe place for him to go. He glared bitterly at the dirty ceiling of his intermittent prison.

He felt the wards on the shack lift, heard the creak of the front door and saw a sliver of dusty light fall across the floor. He held his breath.

"Remus." It was Bill's voice. Thank God.

Bill came to stand over him and stared down in contemplation for a few moments. "Have I told you lately how lucky I am that I don't have to go through full transformations?" Bill quipped.

"Only every month, Bill, only every month." Remus wanted to ask what had happened but the words stuck in his throat, and Bill's stance didn't give anything away. Bill also seemed reluctant to get on with the story; instead, his wand came out and he began incanting healing spells softly. The burning pain lessened, and Remus let out a long breath.

"Voldemort's dead," Bill said, offering a small smile. Remus felt a wave of relief pass through him, though from Bill's demeanor he knew that the rest of the revelations were not likely to be nearly as pleasant. Bill helped him up to a sitting position before getting comfortable himself.

"So's Harry. And Tonks," Bill said softly, holding Remus' eye. Remus sucked in a quick breath and felt his heart rate accelerating, panic and emotion threatening to overtake him. But he needed the rest of the story too badly to give in to it. He nodded at Bill to go on.

"We couldn't find Harry. We searched all night, but not one of us caught so much as a scent of anything." Bill shook his head in disgust.

"But then how...? Did Harry do it alone? Sweet Merlin, the poor boy..."

Bill favored him with an inscrutable look. "No, not alone, exactly. It seems our dear old friend Severus Snape still had a surprise or two left in him." Remus had to struggle even harder to keep the emotions at bay this time, but his need for information had not lessened.

"What happened?" Remus' voice was surprisingly harsh, and Bill hurried on with the tale.

"Snape Floo'ed _Fred and George_. Can you believe it? Talk about unpredictable, the man's totally batshit insane," Bill said flatly. "How did he know we started keeping someone at their shop 24/7, that's what I'd like to know. Anyway, so George was there; he gave George instructions on how to get to get to Harry. He told him to bring 'all the weapons at your disposal,' which Fred and George took to mean their trick arsenal. It was a good thing they did, in the end," mused Bill. Remus swallowed the lump in his throat, remembering Severus' closely guarded secret that he harbored a significant soft spot for the Weasley twins, who had excelled at creative potionmaking, as he'd called it. He'd threatened Remus rather endearingly with a slow and painful death if he ever breathed a word of it to anyone.

"The place was completely undetectable... We'd have never found it," Bill sighed. "It was all but over by the time we arrived. Harry and Tonks and the Dark Lord were all already dead, and Severus was taking on the Death Eaters. All of them. Just him against all of them." Bill shook his head. "Did I mention he was insane?"

So it _was_ happening again. Just like Sirius. It had happened _again_. The phrase was a mantra pounding through Remus' mind. His voice quivered as he asked, "Severus, is he...?"

Bill gave him a sharp look. "He didn't survive that, if that's what you're asking."

Remus felt the shaking coming on again.

Bill continued, though Remus was having trouble concentrating on the story. "We started working our way in from the door, and it was an all-out battle for a while. I don't think the Death Eaters really believed their Lord was dead, or else they would have turned tail sooner. They did eventually, but a lot of them were trapped. We got enough of them alive to piece together what happened, mostly. Seems Snape had been entrusted with Harry's wand, and saw fit to give it back to him when the Dark Lord showed up for the ritual. Harry got Nagini while Snape distracted Voldemort. And here's a shocker -- Tonks was about to take Harry out, and Pettigrew killed her. Can you believe it?"

"Oh, _Peter_..." Remus whispered. He couldn't decide what he felt about all this, or even what he ought to be feeling. It had all gone wrong so many times. Betrayals and cross-betrayals and backwards betrayals.

"So then Harry took over fighting the Dark Lord. I don't know that we'll ever have all the details, but somehow it boiled down to just the two of them, Harry and Voldemort. Snape kept the Death Eaters from interfering. The ones we captured said it just looked like Harry and Voldemort were staring at each other, and then they were both dead. Some kind of mental battle, if you ask me. We must've shown up not too long after that."

For a while the only sounds to be heard in the shack were Remus' unsteady breaths and the twittering birds in the Forbidden Forest. Bill seemed content to give Remus time to let the information sink in. Remus knew he would have to ask who had perished in the battle, but he didn't feel ready to deal with more death just yet. Eventually they got up to head for Hogsmeade and the nearest Floo. Remus slung an arm around Bill's shoulder for support. He wasn't sure if it was physical or emotional support he needed, but Bill held him up all the same.

The war had been hard on Hogsmeade, but there was something mystical in the air this morning. Doors were slowly opening, window shades were being raised. People were gathering outside, speaking quietly, trying to verify the rumors they'd heard and spreading more. There was a feeling of wonder in the air, a tentativeness, a sense of wanting to believe in miracles.

Watching this scene, Remus stopped shaking and let himself begin to mourn.


End file.
